Hate to Date

For someone with a personality like mine it was somewhat surprising when I realized that I haven't been single once in the past 8 years. I have been in some sort of relationship for almost all of my adult life. You know why this is? I hate to date. I really do. It's slim pickin's out there ladies and the older you get, the worse it is. It used to be simple: if he was cute, that's all you needed and you could enjoy seeing each other between classes and say "there's my Boyfriend!" even though you never really knew anything about him except his favorite CD "ohmigosh! Mine too!" and the time you could have spent getting to know each other was spent doing more important things like making out......duh! Your mothers knew each other and would say "Oh, they are just so adorable." when they'd run into each other at the grocery store. In about two weeks, for no particular reason, you'd just start to hate him. Ew, ew, ew, and you'd devise a completely elaborate and totally unnecessary plan to break up with him; usually involving several friends and a short note written in sparkly gel pen. You wouldn't feel sad, you just moved on....like the next day, to his friend Justin. He'd do the same and that was that. Ah, it was all so simple then when the hormones ran wild.
It's not so easy now. There are more things to consider. Does he have a job? A car? A criminal record? That alone is hard to find in this day and age then add in sense of humor, good looks, compassion, honesty......forget it! There are so many weirdos. I have been on dates where I truly felt like I was on Candid Camera. I once showed kindness to a geeky guy working the in the photo department at Walmart and he showed at my house one night with a wilted rose and a kitten. My photos however, never made it back to me. I once went on a date with a man who told me he was addicted to heroin and then after seeing my face said "I'm just kidding actually I'm dying." and then said "Actually I'm just kidding." I told him to kick rocks and for weeks afterwards he would show up at the parking lot at my work, take his shirt off and yell while hitting the dumpsters with a shopping cart. I went on a date with a guy who had two small whippets (tiny dogs that resemble rats) and let them lick his mouth and lips when he ate Doritos. Grown men that live in their parent's garage. Men who "forget" their wallets on dates. Yes. That's not just an urban legend as I had once thought. These are just the ones I remember. I have dated a ton of losers. It's scary out there. The scariest thing now is that most of those very same losers are all married with kids so what does that tell you about the ones that are left?

As much as I hate to date, I think it's even harder to stay with just one person. I hate when people state stupid facts that they think are interesting but every one's already heard. My favorite of these is "Did you know that penguins mate for life?" Whenever someone says this there's always one moron who chimes in with "That's sooooo cute!" Is it? Penguins all look the exact friggin' same, there are no ugly or fat penguins. Penguins don't have to worry about paying mortgages on time or college tuition for their eggs. They don't have to worry about in-laws or car repairs or couples therapy. It's just not the same. I love those old wrinkled couples who have been married for 60 years. I once spoke to a 90 year old woman about her long and prosperous marriage. I asked her what she does day-to-day, if she played bingo or whatever. She leaned in and told me flatly, "I've just been waiting for that son of a bitch to kick the bucket."